It dawned on me that people say stuff that epicly fails all the time. I'm going to share some!
1) Once, I met a guy who torrented freeware.
I torrented iTunes because I couldn't afford the real thing!
(iTunes is Freeware, You're Behind)
2) One time, this guy got really B.S.ey on me.
Me: Okay, okay, I get your point. Can you please stop it?
Him: No you don't get it. See, you people seem to think that...
Friend: Douche, Shut Up! We've had enough.
Him: I'm no douche. He's an idiot!
Me: No you're the idiot. How many fingers am I holding up?
Him: *Squints* THREE.
Me: No there's two behind that.
Him: Pssh
Me: What's the square root of pi squared.
Him: That's impossible. Pi's not a real number.
Me: Actually, it's pi squared, and the answer is pi.
Friend: PWND!
Him: Oh what now? Should I go 'round and 'round saying "I'm a douche, I'm a douche"
Random Walker: ...Yeah you are a douche...
3) I'm a fan of the Simpsons. Remember that episode where Ralph Wiggums runs for President? They ask him "What's your take on illegal immigration?" and he says "Stranger Danger.
4) This asshole was trying to tell this girl that he thought we (the girl and me) were in a relationship. So he's trying and trying to prove it to her and he finally comes up with an analogy.
(That was to the girl, not me)
5) I once read the health warning for some sleeping pills. It said "WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS" Yeah you know what? MAY cause drowsiness? First of all, that's a no brainer, and second, I'm not buying them. I want SLEEPING PILLS not MAY CAUSE SLEEPING PILLS. How about you?
You're Edward. He's Bella.
It dawned on me recently that if some moronic 40-year old can sit behind a Linux all day long and come up with ideas for parodies, like how-to-fail, then what's stopping me from being a parodizer? So now, thus I proved to you, from a world reknown standpoint... How to be a stalker!
- Poles are friends. Hug poles. Dance around poles. Dive down beneath poles. Just enjoy spending time with poles because poles are stalker's best friends.
- Walls are also friends. Hide behind walls. Climb up walls. Just know that the wall is the second best friend to a rogue stalker.
- Know the risks you are taking. Like all straight people have a gaydar to make precautions when approaching homosexuals, all stalkees have a built-in sense of paranoia, which means that in the event you come too close or stay for too long in one spot, they will easily do a 180 or a 360 and pwn your ass.
- E-Stalkers are not the same thing as Stalkers, in fact, they're as different as "a" is to "A" (I could tell you the difference between the two except that would be trying to teach you rocket science... Given you're not a physicist). Anyone and everyone is an electronic Stalker, all it takes is to press someone's name and all their info just comes and pops up on you... However, not everyone is a TRUE, REAL stalker. It takes discipline, patience, and some wild kung fu moves.
- Kung Fu looks awesome and wicked in the movies, but in reality, it's only wicked to the user. It's a slow, unrefined technique in the case of a CQBR with a hot blonde, so you need to use something that will really protect you... Tai Chi.
- Don't try stalking the stalker. Not just does that make you a stalker-stalker, it means that you don't have good tastes. You go after HOT people, like viets and blondes, and if they're stalking, that means they're not good enough.
- Anything that ends with a zero is a bad sign. Just know that.
- If you are being pursued by your former stalkee (now your stalker), and you happen to be running straightforward into a wall of really old, thin plywood, do not under any circumstances try to break it down, even if you ARE Chuck Norris. Chances are you may succeed.
- When using your own sense of paranoia, if you feel the urge to turn around and see a blue and red guy hanging from the ceiling from silk threads, that means two things... a) He's a stalker b) He's also Spiderman
- Know when to trust your instinct. When do you trust your instinct? When your instinct tells you it's okay to trust your instinct.
And that's how to be a stalker 101! Yes, I know that's a bunch of bs, but I just want to let you know that I am not a 40 year old creep, just a person on Earth like you. Or are you...
